And this movie demonstrates why.
Horror author Thomas Livingston, (Craig Sheffer), convinces the owner of a haunted lighthouse, (played with remarkable vitality by the unwrapped, bleached mummy of Seti I), to lock him into the tower for a weekend to gather information for a new book.
Mr. Livingston spends a great deal of time pulling faces, sitting whenever possible, going up and down a wrought-iron spiral staircase looking for the backpack he is wearing, opening a multitude of small plastic bottles of water and finding that none of them are of the proper vintage, and regretting that he failed to check the expiration dates on his Wonder Bread and bologna. (The producers should seriously consider marketing a Thomas Livingston action figure.)
In short, things go from bad to worse until eventually Mr. Livingston must escape the accursed place by any means necessary.
Fortunately, a very large, cyclopean octopus with only four arms and a serious glandular disorder, intercepts the images sent from Mr. Livingston's malfunctioning wireless camera, falls instantly in love, and takes the Nantucket Sleigh Ride from his home near The Island of Misfit Toys to rescue the intrepid writer.
Unfortunately, when the heroic quadruped arrives and calls, "Rapunzel, let down your hair!" Mr. Livingston discovers that his bun has become entangled like the Gordian knot.
Attempting to loosen it using the harpoon stored on the third level, (all REAL lighthouses since the Pharos at Alexandria have been equipped with harpoons...Herman Melville said so), Mr. Livingston loses his balance, somehow slides past a metal grating with bars spaced about four inches apart, through a small window and falls to his death.
His soul is quickly snatched by an alien for the collection it has been building since 1832 when it caused the wreck of a Clipper ship, (even though the Clipper wasn't developed until the 1840s...now that's devious), where it will remain trapped in the lighthouse until said alien acquires the full mint-condition set, when it will auction them on EBay for the price of a ticket back home.
The octopus, (who had already been depressed since it was disowned by its parents Cthulu and Nyalarthotep), winds up in the Doldrums, hangs out with The Goat With A Thousand Young, gets a tattoo, and becomes an opium addict.
Seti, who neglected to get an indemnification from Mr. Livingston, (I presume), finds that his insurance rates become ruinously high, and he loses the lighthouse to Captain January who turns it into a shrine to Shirley Temple. The Historical Society objects and bitter litigation ensues.
A tragedy of star-crossed lovers not seen since the days of the Elizabethan metaphysical poets like Andrew Marvell, William Shakespeare or Edward de Vere, 17th Earl of Oxford.
Writer, producer, director Gregory Lamberson has done something very special here and may well become the true successor to the Polonia Brothers. Special notice should be given to the editing, which has enough non sequiturs to out-Wood Ed Wood, the costume design which includes a police officer's uniform with the American Flag on the wrong sleeve and hence backwards, and a family of four in the 1930s wearing styles from at least four different decades between 1880 and 1970 without one single article being from 1930-1939.
But it is the cinematography that has something truly unique: a ghostly bride who uses both hands to lift the hem of her gown above her shoes before starting to climb the stairs. Most filmmakers would fear this prosaic detail might spoil the supernatural effect and place the view a bit higher or edit it out, but this film dares to tread where others would only attempt to float.
The longest winter I ever spent was a weekend in Buffalo.
Note: Craig Sheffer dropped out of sight shortly after the release of Widow's Point. There is an unsubstantiated rumor that when Gabrielle Anwar learned Mr. Sheffer had allowed their daughter to appear in the film she lured Sheffer, Anthony Michael Hall, and some other guy into an underground crypt with a tale of fabulous treasure and locked them in. Probably just nonsense.